When you're diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis the doctors don't tell you there is a grieving process. I'm not sure if they even know.
It started gradually and then one day it hit me. My life has forever changed. I started to mentally list all of the things I could no longer do such as clean the house in one day or make it through work without sneaking a nap during lunch in my car. It was a frustrating realization.
I stared to feel worthless. I felt I could no longer contribute to my family, to my friends, to society. I slipped into a depression. I thought "This is it. This is my life forever. Pain and exhaustion". We'll it wasn't.
A healthy way to deal with this is to grieve your old self. I realized it's okay to do less. It's okay to say no to people. It's ok to take care of yourself. Once I did this I started to feel better.
As I was letting go, my new self started to emerge. I became a better me. I became more patient, more compassionate, more understanding. I didn't set unattainable goals. That in itself made for less disappointment. I embraced the new me.
You would think that the grieving and change would stop there. It doesn't. Something happened to me that I didn't expect. My RA went into remission. Don't get me wrong, that news was incredible. Again though, I needed to change. I needed to greive this new me.
I thought that because I could do more I would go right back to the me I was in the beginning. So not the case. My perspective had changed. The same things weren't important. If anything my old priorities seemed trivial. I had my life back and I was damn sure gonna live it.
This whole post has come about because next week I am having surgery with an 18 month recovery. Once again I have to grieve the active life I was given back. I have to find my place in this world again. Embrace another new me. I am up for it and I am excited.
Remeber, what you used to do does not define you. It's how you handle these changes that does.
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